i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
