Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
