All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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