I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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