I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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