First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
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Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
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Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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