Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
