I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
