I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
