nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
