I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Actions speak louder than pants.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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