We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
