It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
