just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You ruined the universe
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
