could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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