It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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