My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
