The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
