chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
