moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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