i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
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He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
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Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.