i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me