drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Dating After Heartbreak
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...