either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
