I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
