did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
