thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
