the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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