Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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