I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
