My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
