Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
