dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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