best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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