He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
