he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
