it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
