I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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