I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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