I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
