ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
worst night to have a conscience
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
