the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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