just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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