I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
