Don't make out with my wife yet
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
