he told me I talked like a deaf person
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
