There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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