don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
