Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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