he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
