Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
