I should be sponsored by Trojan
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
