I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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