sarcasm needs its own font
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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