I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
false alarm, still single
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
