I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
