life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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