I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Did I show you my penis last night?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
