you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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