and you said cock pushups were impossible
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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