You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's never too late to be topless.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Rumble strips road head = magical
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
